You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
