my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize