It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
