hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
