im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
