I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
