you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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