I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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