I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
