Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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