who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize