I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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