i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize