I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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