just survived the first fart of the relationship.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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