HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
