i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
