Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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