barbara walters just said penis...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
