haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
