I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
