he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
These tits shall not be calmed
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
