i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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