Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You are a genius and a whore.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
