she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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