Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
