wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You pole danced in your parka.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
