i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize