You just made me feel so damn special
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You are the jesus of drinking
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
