I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
