come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
