Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
