he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
