He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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