You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
