Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
