So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
