Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
