I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
