i already hear my dad disowning me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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