we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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