I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My life is pants optional.
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