So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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