after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
