P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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