Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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