My hand turned me down
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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