His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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