i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
