Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
