I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
