Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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