you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
