So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
