I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
