Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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