Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
