She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
