i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
