so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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