It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize