Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
