thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
