She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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