she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
