I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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