She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
