Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
