new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
