oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize