Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
