my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i drank out of a bidet.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
